Thirty years ago, Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. published the seminal book “Out of the Shadows – Understanding Sex Addiction”.
This is the book that literally put the term “sex addiction” on the map. Since then, a veritable cottage industry has grown up around “sex addiction treatment”. But the term “sex addiction” has been challenged and there’s still controversy brewing about whether sex can be addictive. The ongoing controversy also involves nomenclature – Is it “sex addiction”, “compulsive sexual behavior”, out-of-control sexual behavior”, or what? Is it “hypersexuality”, “Don Juanism”, is it an “impulsive control disorder” a compulsion, an addiction? A “sexual behavior problem”? What’s the difference?
Or is it just men behaving badly? “Boys will be boys”.
Some theorists/writers content that “sex addiction” is a label – a stigmatizing label that puts a moral judgment on any sexual behavior that doesn’t conform to heteronormative standards, of sex somehow only being “healthy” in a context of a long-term (heterosexual) monogamous pair-bonding. The cultural value system in industrialized societies vies for: a balanced, stable lifestyle, with only relational sex being deemed “healthy”.
Sex addiction therapy tries to promote a “balanced lifestyle”. But isn’t that a moralist value? One wonders what the world would be like if the “obsessive”, lifestyle of people like Mother Theresa, Paul Gaugin, Mapplethorpe, Samuel Coleridge, and James Joyce had put a damper on their incredible achievements in human civilization.
Underlying the contemporary discourse on “sexual addiction recovery” is an implied set of conservative values. I was trained in sex addiction treatment by Patrick Carnes. At the time I had been researching, writing, and presenting about healthy BDSM. When I asked him what he thought, he categorically said that BDSM was “sick” — an addiction that required “treatment.
These are all socio-cultural values and should be identified as such and not couched in the language of “healthy” recovery.
Typical sex addiction therapists (CSATs) and 12-step sexual recovery programs zero in on stopping sexual behaviors and avoiding “triggers”. I disagree with this approach. The message is “Avoid anything sexual” “Avoid anything that might be arousing.” and “Don’t have sex for the first six months of your sexual addiction recovery”. My model helps clients face and manage sexual stimuli. I try to guide my clients toward having a thriving sexual life.
Nobody ever learned anything about themselves through avoidance. CSATs and sex 12-step programs encourage people to be erotically avoidant. Avoidance is never a sustainable outcome. I love chocolate. The more I think about not having chocolate, the more chocolate I eat.
Being erotically avoidant makes for a life of deprivation. It’s like putting yourself on an all-beansprouts diet. How long can that be sustained? Isn’t it a more helpful metaphor to visualize your erotic life as being at a delicious banquette where you can MINDFULLY and non-compulsively enjoy the many different tastes and smells of the food? Once you’re in a sex-positive sexual recovery process, and you learn, in therapy, to identify, recognize and accept your own “erotic template”, you can enjoy and savor the miracle of owning your own sexuality.