Introduction
I am writing this blog for people whose sexual behaviors, thoughts and fantasies have run amok to the point where they’ve started to contradict their values and undermine the achievement of their personal goals like academic achievement, job security, close relationships, physical and emotional health, intimate sexuality with a partner, spending time with children, erosion of interest in hobbies and recreation or religious/spiritual involvement. The most devastating consequence of sex addiction may very well be the impact on the person’s inner life – shame, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, loneliness, etc.
Because of the advent of the internet, the last three decades have seen a veritable tsunami of new opportunities to be sexual with whomever and whenever you want. “Digisexuality”, sexual encounters through the miracle of modern technology, provides a marketplace that offers sexual gratification that is accessible, affordable and anonymous. And irresistible.
Relationships are hard. Technology is easy. Generation “X”, raised in the era of easy-access sextnology, seems to be less interested in person-to-person intimacy. Digisex is “no mess, no fuss” sexual encounters. It seems that a large segment of the younger generation is not interested in buying the cow when they can get the milk for free.
The “diagnosis” of sex addiction has spawned some hot debates in the clinical community. Is “sex addiction” a disorder, a disease requiring medical treatment? Or is it a trendy fad, promulgated by the sex addiction “industry” people who make big bucks on the misery of others? (A month-long stay in a sex addiction rehab would run you about $37,000 – and it’s not covered by insurance.) Is the SA diagnosis being used by rich fat-cat rascals who are using it as a get-out-of-jail-free card to justify bad behavior? (Harvey Weinstein used the “sex addiction” diagnosis as part of his legal proceedings. He couldn’t help himself – he’s a sex addict.) Is it helpful for a person with problematic sexual behaviors –behaviors that cause distress, are felt to be out-of-control and that occur persistently despite very real negative consequences to be told he’s got a “sickness” or a “disease”? That he has a mental disorder?
Or is compulsive sexuality merely a behavioral problem?
Critics of the sex addiction model claim that the term is steeped in social/cultural normative values that put a high emphasis on heterosexual/monogamous paradigms of sexual behavior and that the focus in sex addiction treatment is biased against alternative sexualities and relationships, especially “non-normative”, “atypical” sexual interests.
Controversary aside, the fact remains that some segment of the population struggles with sexual fantasies and behaviors that wreak havoc on their lives. They’ve been taken over by overwhelming and sometime perplexing urges and cravings that have rendered them slaves of sexual desire, rather than being masters of their own ships. Rather than enjoying a robust sex life that is congruent with their values and goals and enhances connection and self-esteem, these beleaguered souls live in the “shadow” side of their sexuality, isolated, confused and shame-bound.
If you’re one of these people, I send to you a message of hope. Thousands of people have entered some form of sexual recovery to discover that long-term change and healing are possible for those who are willing to put in the hard work of personal transformation.
Upcoming posts on this blog will focus on sex addiction therapy techniques so that you can get a sense of what skills and strategies are available to you in a program of sex addiction treatment. My approach may be at first confusing as I address and treat both the “paraphilias” as well as provide services to the “kink/poly” community. It is CERTAINLY not my intention to in anyway pathologize sexual interests that are outside the “norm” (whatever that is).
The fact remains that certain “atypical” sexualities, especially those that are non-consensual and/or illegal or that drastically deviate from the person’s core values and goals — that are driven, compulsive and persistent despite negative consequences – constitute a disorder that needs to be explored, understood and treated.
There are many ways to skin a cat. And there are many ways to heal from sexual wounds. It is my intention to give you a flavor of the manner in which different ways of doing psychotherapy can be put to use in the service of living a meaningful, purposeful life that embodies a vibrant, alive, connected and exuberant sexual/erotic experience.